Millwall Venus XV

15th April 2007

Basildon 54 Millwall 17

Millwall tries (yes, plural for a change): Nicole Buts, Trudie Clarke, Claire Higgins

Conversion: Toni Cummins

Tina Turner pops up to Basildon RFC for a quick game.

A Millwall Venus production Starring: Dipper, Rimms, Jodie, Christie, Louise, Toni, Henshall, Jo, Trudie, Chiggs, Butts, Sally, Tricia, Beth

Firstly I should apologise for the poor quality of my last match report. There was such a lack of life to it that people were driven to ask who had written in it. I'll quickly add in here some of the highlights that I missed from the last game to redress the balance. Sally's strange optimism in the face of another defeat, clearly she'd taken one to many knocks to the skull when she suggested we could get a try a minute. Kicker Trudie's willing the ball to “bounce b1tch” before hurtling over the touch line (incidentally it did bounce making it a fine restart effort). The most notable of the comedy moments, however, has to be Henshall's bouncing off their biggest player in an attempt to stop a juggernaut-a-likey penalty move. I actually thought it was brave rather than funny but as she herself was amused and so apparently was the opposition when the ref stopped play to attend to prostate and hyper ventilating Lindsey, so it has to be included.

Anyway back to the game in hand. Fatty Venus has never been renowned for an enthusiasm to play. More often than not someone suggests we go for a pub lunch instead of making the trip to an away game. This week, however, it was pretty much the whole team about to stage a mutiny. Those of us girls who'd watched the boys on Saturday knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant match given the tropical conditions, and we made sure the Vaseline was in the managers bag for some all over graze prevention. Beth further cheered us up on the prospect of getting a minibus for a drive with the observation “It'll be hotter than the sun in there”. Great, cheers, as if it wasn't enough Basildon had pulled that sneaky right to play at home rule, it had to be an unpleasant drive too.

We arrived at Basildon and the sight of a giant mushroom didn't exactly cheer us although Sally did have some interesting theories on what it was for. The overall effect was of some post apocalyptic movie. This of course would be a fitting scenario for some of our more hefty defeats. Some lucozade tablets and a lathering of Vaseline later and we stepped out into the merciless sun – a few of us opting not to put on the weighty kit till the last possible minute. The warm up consisted of us doing some ballet like stretches on the handy industrial metal rail. It would have been elegant had I not put my hip out trying to show off. Still if I put my name down now for a replacement I might get one by the time I'm 60.

The ref kindly agreed to let us play in quarters and we began the game by receiving and running into the sun. Miracles of miracles, some of Thursdays training (or at least what had been said) seemed to have sunk in as we managed to have all the possession in the first quarter. Of course when the opposition did get the ball they ran off and scored but the breakaway try is always our undoing. Nicole managed to disrupt the flow of points after their second or third try with one of her own. After complaining they'd been taking her down so hard she clearly had a moment of genius and realised rather than let them hit her she should run into space away from the contact. This resulted in a belting try. Whoever said Americans were dumb eh? Captain Cummins put the lid on it with a fine conversion (she has more time than most to practise).

Going into the second quarter and it was clear why 7's was invented for backs and not for forwards. We just struggled to have any effect and I have to hold my hands up and say it was by far my poorest effort of the season as I was quite simply jiggered. Reluctance to hit the ground played its part in ensuring the pack missed tackles or indulged in a spot of shirt pulling. No excuses, we were poor. The heat making it nigh on impossible to the normal hit, run, drive efforts of norm. It was little wonder that we had an asthma casualty, I myself was panting like a bulimic in a patisserie throughout. Trudie came on for the asthma casualty and scored a fine try, for once a not very text book diagonal run paying off. An injury to Rimms saw the scrums go to uncontested, which really was a blessing in disguise for us we were crumbling a bit. Note to Christie, the reason the last scrum felt better was that I decided not to contest but to drive instead. An extra person will make the difference and it is what the non putting in side should do. Actually while I'm teaching Christie a thing or two I may as well mention that it's really not necessary to apologise to one's team mates for everything. Especially when it's only your third game. Everyone makes mistakes (I made plenty – my favourite being not making any effort to catch the ball at the restart thus allowing the opposition to get possession) you just dig in and cover each others backs.

Half time came and it was nice not to feel entirely defeated by this point although a good fair few opted for the sit down and get drenched in water effort for refreshment. The second half was characterised by two stand out efforts. Firstly from Nicole and two near misses for a try. Two belting runs resulting in a killer tackles from the opposition (excellent work Basildon). The second performance was from “nearly as nutty as Vicky” Trisha, who bravely chased down the Basildon break aways. She was rewarded when on one occasion the Basildon player dropped the ball rather than grounding it. Her team mates were suitably mortified “How many times do we practice scoring in training” they said woefully shaking their hands while making their way back for the scrum. Practice scoring tries? What a novel idea!

Trudie also looked on for a try with an explosive run. Unfortunately the opposition had other ideas and a heavy tackle and a little bit of fisticuffs ensued. The ref's diplomacy has to be commended here: “It was a great run from you, and a great tackle from you, however,…..” If only he worked for the UN, that little skirmish in the Sudan would be resolved by now.

We swapped things around in the forwards with me selflessly offering to prop. I instantly regretted my kind offer when Trudie announced stoutly that she was going to go second row so she get her hands on my unmentionables. The colour returned to my golden face when Sean refused to let her and put fellow physical contact phobic Lindsey there instead.

Chiggs managed to finish off a try that came off the back of some good forwards work and creation from the captain. It was almost unbelievable but she blasted her way over the line but we didn't fancy her chances to get under the posts without mishap so instructed her to put it down. I mean 3 tries in one match, virtually unheard of!

The end of the game saw both sides making a decidedly lacklustre effort and an aversion to the ball and running was apparent. A great sigh of relief went up and we managed to wheeze through the hip hoorays before going off to the bar to be made to feel very welcome by the opposition. Our summer holiday outfits created quite a stir. Yes, I did look the best with my Hawaiian honey look. I appreciate it's hard to believe that I can be so beautiful and play rugby rugby but as my colleagues would say earnestly, “Oui ces't vrai”.

The usual giving out of awards followed with us having some interesting pineapple receptacles and cocktails to drink.

Ahhh, it's been a long season and as much as I love the game I'm looking forward to the summer break and the touch season (I get the chance to play with the boys then see, why else would I want to play rugby?). It's time to give a big thanks to everyone who has played for us this season. Given how many new players we've had this season we've done remarkably well. Everyone who has put on the oversized Venus shirt has given it the best they can and I think everyone has done something that surpasses their own expectations, which is what it's all about. Long may we all continue to maul for Millwall. Our coaches Sean and Eoin deserve a big thanks for which I'm certain must feel like a thankless task at times. A huge round of applause is due to the team manager Rimmer for doing a tough job and keeping her pecker up even when the players start dropping like flies. Without the team manager we wouldn't have a team and I think sometimes it's easy to forget this. Last but not least cheers to the steadily growing band of supporters. It does make a difference, even if it's just by making me too scared to not score trys while they are watching.

Vive la Venus! Here's to the England v Rest of the World game and next season!

Click here to read the match reports from last season